INSIDE FIONA PRETZELS PART 2 - Ursula Hitler's Head, ep. 138

In our last episode Mr. Meany ended up inside the body of his nemesis, feminist grad student Fiona Pretzels. No, he's literally INSIDE HER BODY, he's all folded up in there. Forced to co-exist in this manner, how will this odd couple get along? Watch, and learn!

If you enjoy this episode, go ahead and click around in the archives, where you will find many more weird, sexy and weirdly sexy cartoons. And don't forget to work that Youtube "like" button. Yeah, baby. Work it good.

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, part 9

Me, doing a 2003 selfie. Hey, at least I didn't do the ol' Myspace duck face.

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, pt. 8

Me, pouting like the teacher sent me to the principal's office for showing up at school in a 1950s hooker dress that shows off too much boob.

This one isn't quite as old as the others. I'm guessing... 2005?

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, pt. 7

An old picture of me, perhaps taking the whole "make love to the camera with your eyes" thing a bit too literally. I look like I'm about to dry-hump you with my eyeballs.

I wasn't feeling myself up. I just had an itchy boob. Yeah.

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, pt. 6

Another ancient picture of me. Sweet Jesus, I look like I am about to murder you. I never try to look evil and angry in my pictures. It just happens. I'm a nice girl with an evil, angry face!

But you gotta give me this: my cleavage was always spectacular.

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, pt. 5

Yet another old pic of moi. No, I was never a drama queen or anything.

Crappy keychain digital cameras were so wonderfully forgiving.

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, pt. 4

Another picture of me back in ye olden days. I've always been scary as hell, even when I'm not trying to be. In this picture I look like I am about to devour your soul.

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, pt. 3

Another outfit for a theme night at Dragstrip 66. I don't remember the theme anymore. Biker chicks, maybe? I look like some sort of chola pro wrestler. Works for me.

INSIDE FIONA PRETZELS - Ursula Hitler's Head ep. 137

In what may just be our most peculiar episode yet, Mr. Meany takes us on a fantastic voyage deep inside the skinny little hippie chick body of feminist academic Fiona Pretzels. Weird, gross and kind of sexy hijinks ensue!

If you enjoy this episode, don't forget to lovingly caress that Youtube "like" button!

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, pt. 2

Here's another lovely picture of your friendly neighborhood tranny diva, Ursula Hitler, circa the turn of the century. This was an outfit for some sort of theme night at the old club, Dragstrip 66. It's not like I walk around in pearls and a velvet Jessica Rabbit dress all the time... Although I kind of wish I did.

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, pt. 1

When Geocities went under a couple of years ago it took my ancient personal site with it. That old site is still archived online, and while it's dated and kind of embarrassing there's still plenty that I like about it. Reading my old diaries is mortifying, but it simultaneously makes me pine for the crazy life I used to lead. (Jesus, that was a long, long time ago. I've lived quite a storied life for a girl barely over 30.)

Recently I Googled my name and I was appalled to see that the few photos that came up were really unflattering - mostly random shots people took at clubs like 15 years ago, on nights when I was drunk and slouchy, and my wig looked assy. Since my old site went away, those ugly shots of me were all that was left online. Well, being a vain old bitch, I couldn't stand that...

So this month I'm going to be posting my old pictures here, in hopes that they will rise to the top in the Google search results, replacing the ones there now. So, here's today's picture of me from 1999-2003-ish:




Yes, I got a little too Warhol-y with the filters on this one, but I really did used to look like this on a good night. Being 20-something was nice.

KNOCKED UP BY A ROBOT! - - Ursula Hitler's Head ep. 136

Sweetie learns the hard way that a girl should never shag an untrustworthy robot. Yes, this cartoon is really about a girl getting impregnated by a robot. It's come to this.

If you enjoy cartoons about girls getting impregnated by robots, and other weird, funny, occasionally sexy nonsense, dig around in the archives and you'll find lots and lots of this sort of thing. And if you enjoy this cartoon, don't forget to pound that Youtube "like" button hard and deep. Show that button who's the boss!

A VERY UNMERRY UNBIRTHDAY TO YOU - Ursula Hitler's Head ep. 135

Mr. Meany encounters Butternut Squash, protector of public decency, in what may very well be our weirdest episode ever. You better stay on Butternut's good side, or she'll repress you... and regress you!

If you enjoyed this cartoon, don't forget to spank that Youtube like button. It's been a naughty little like button! Oh, yes it has...

TRANSCRIPT:

Mr. Meany: Hello again, folks. On today's show I'm going to share one of my favorite weird sex fetishes with you: skanky ladies with big bushy armpit hair!

Butternut Squash: Stop right there, you naughty man!

Mr. Meany: What? Who the hell are you?

Butternut Squash: I'm Butternut Squash, protector of public decency.

Mr. Meany: Well Butternut, if you don't mind, I'm right in the middle of making a perverted cartoon, here.

Butternut Squash: Such filth shouldn't be allowed, and I'm gonna put a stop to it right now.

Mr. Meany: Listen baby, I'm a horny, virile man-skank, and no upitty little dame is ever gonna tell me what to do.

Butternut Squash: Oh, really? Well, let's see what you say after I unbirth you in my purification pouch.

Mr. Meany: What?

(She abruptly swallows him, and he lands inside her belly.)

Mr. Meany: Hey. Where am I?

Butternut Squash: Happy unbirth day to you, Mr. Meany!

(INTRO CARD: "What are the strange origins of Butternut Squash's unbirthing abilities?")

Butternut Squash: You see, I've always been a clean and virtuous girl. Whenever Satan tempted me with fantasies about hairy Italian guys with great big floppy man parts, I would drive them from my mind by listening to Pat Boone records for hours. But as the years passed, the wicked lust grew stronger, and I began to have excruciating belly cramps. Finally I went to see a gastroenterologist. But when Doctor Wendelstein asked me to open wide... he fell in. Some strange instinct told me to scrunch up my belly muscles as hard as I could. Soon I squeezed out Doctor Wendellstein, but when he emerged... He'd been completely transformed into a cute little cartoon rabbit. That was how I learned my agonizing belly cramps were really a gift from God. I could swallow wicked sinners, and use the mighty spasmodic power of my guts to squash, stretch and reform them.

(Back to Mr. Meany inside Butternut's belly.)

Butternut Squash: Your transformation's begun, and I'm sanitizing your body and soul. Soon you'll be a cute, wholesome little girl, forever and ever.

(Phone rings.)

Mr. Meany: What? That sounds like somebody calling me on the Xtranormal video phone.

Butternut Squash: Well, make it quick. I don't like to be interrupted during the emasculization process.

Mr. Meany: Hello, who is this?

Sweetie (on videophone): Hey Meany. You've been gone a few hours, so I figured you probably need me to come rescue you again.

Mr. Meany: Sweety, help me. I'm trapped inside the belly of a crazy lady, and she's gonna squash me until I turn into a little girl.

Sweetie: Great. So you've gotten yourself into another Freudian nightmare. You know, I got shit to do today, and I can't always just drop everything and rescue you from some weird bitch's abdominal prison.

Mr. Meany: But Sweetie...

Sweetie: There's a big shoe sale downtown, but then I'll drop by to rescue you around six-ish.

(She hangs up.)

Mr. Meany: Oh (censored.)

Butternut Squash: And now Mr. Meany, I'm gonna squeeze all the sin out of you.

(Butternut sings an Unbirthday song as she transforms him.)

Butternut Squash: I will catch you, and I'll stretch you, this is your Unbirthday. I will seize you, and I'll squeeze you, this is your Unbirth day. I will take you, and remake you, this is your Unbirthday. I will hold you, and I'll mold you, this is your Unbirthday!

(CARD: Several hours of unbirthing later...)

Butternut Squash (to her swollen belly): Soon you'll be a perfect little lady, Mr, Meany.

Sweetie: Stop right there, you twisted abdominatrix! You're gonna let Meany go, right now!

Butternut Squash: There's nothing that could make me release him now.

Sweetie: Oh, really? Well, did he happen to tell you he's infected with a severe case of digital syphilis? (To camera:) There's a little callback for our longtime viewers!

Butternut Squash: Oh, no... (To her belly:) Get out of me right now, you wretched sinner!

(She coughs Mr. Meany up. His transformation not quite complete, he is now a sort of ghoulish dwarf girl dressed in a frilly, bloodied dress.)

Mr. Meany: Great. I'm a zombie midget Honey Boo Boo.

Butternut Squash: I can feel his wickedness spreading through my system.

Sweetie: It's like they say. You are what you eat.

(Butternut Squash transforms into a cute skank.)

Butternut Squash: Oh, god damn it. Now I'm just a cheap nympho floozy. Oh well, I guess I'll go give handjobs to sailors.

Sweetie (Gesturing toward Mr. Meany): And what about the little lady over here?

Butternut Squash: His transformation wasn't finished, so he ought to expand back to normal in a few weeks.

Mr. Meany: I can't be stuck as some freaky little dwarf girl for weeks!

Sweetie: Don't worry. I bet you'll look super-adorable after we clean you up. (Getting into it:) And of course you'll need a pretty pink dress... And pigtails!

Mr. Meany: Oh, god damn it.

Sweetie: Listen little missy, don't talk back to your Auntie Sweetie!

MONSTER-DONG 3000! - Ursula Hitler's Head ep. 134

A conversation with a sexy banner ad lady leads to Mr. Meany experimenting with a topical "male enhancement" product. Things go about as well as you'd expect. This is either our funniest episode so far, or our stupidest... It's definitely our naughtiest. Jesus, this one is some naughty business.

If you enjoy this cartoon, please favorite it, share it, and smack that Youtube like button upside the head.

NOW WITH TRANSCRIPT:

Mr. Meany: Hello again, folks. On today's show...

Banner Ad: Hey, honey.

Mr. Meany: Oh, Jesus. It's another one of these annoying Youtube banner ads. We already had an exterminator spray the place, but these damn things keep coming back.

Banner Ad: You look like a sexy, sophisticated, 34-55 year old gentleman in the prime of his demographic life!

Mr. Meany: Go away, sleazy banner ad lady. I'm far too clever to fall for your tricks.

Banner Ad: Are you lonesome tonight?

Mr. Meany: No... Well, maybe a little. I mean... Yes, very much so. Sweetie went out on another date with some nasty rocker boy in skinny jeans. What does he have that I don't, aside from a cool haircut, minty fresh breath and sex appeal?

Banner Ad: Well, maybe he's got a certain something extra. You know... down there. If you want to compete, you've got to have what a girl wants, and a whole lot of it.

Mr. Meany: Oh... Well, I've certainly got more than enough in that department.

Banner Ad: If you use Monster-Dong 3000, it'll give you a humongous raging boner.

(Meany considers. Cut to later on...)

Mr. Meany: OK, I applied your product directly to my... Well, you know. So, when will I see the results?

Banner Ad: Very soon. Expando Incorporated is not responsible for any allergic reactions, psychological trauma, destruction of personal property or loss of life resulting from the use of Monster-Dong 3000.

Mr. Meany: Hang on, loss of life?

Banner Ad: Monster-Dong 3000 may cause vomiting, jellied eyeballs, bazooka diarrhea, irritable bowel syndrome, enraged bowel syndrome, psycho killer bowel syndrome, and purple nurples.

Mr. Meany: Oh, dear.

Banner Ad: Monster-Dong 3000 is a dangerously irresponsible product, made by terrible people to prey upon the personal insecurities of gullible losers. Monster-Dong 3000 should not be used under any circumstances. Exit, stage right.

(The banner ad leaps out of the scene. A black "censored" box suddenly appears over Meany's groin. The box continues to grow, quickly stretching out of the frame.)

Mr. Meany: Well, I don't see how this could get much more embarrassing.

(Scenes of the black "censored" box covering Mr. Meany's thingie, as it grows out of all control and causes havoc in the city.)

Mr. Meany: This is very, very not good. Oh, dear. Now it's coming back around. And it's doing loop-de-loops!

(Transition to an Xtranormal Newsreport.)

Brownie Piles: Brownie Piles here with the Xtranormal news. Today a balding, middle-aged local weirdo named Mr. Meany experimented with a sleazy topical male enhancement product, causing his wretched little dingle to expand to such monstrous proportions that it now threatens the entire city. Horrified witnesses describe Mr. Meany's raging boner as a tumescent nightmare from the depths of hell.

Mark Fardwarp: Having seen Mr Meany's raging boner, I now hate and fear all boners everywhere, including my own. So, I'm getting a sex change tomorrow.

Marcia Fardwarp: I'm his wife, and I'm totally okay with him cutting off his dingle. Actually, I'm a lesbian now. The sight of Mr. Meany's raging boner did that to me.

Brownie Piles: Authorities say that they are powerless to stop Mr. Meany's raging boner, because it's so gross that nobody wants to get near it.

(Cut to Sweetie and Mr. Meany at home. Meany's dong is still stretching out of the frame, covered by a black "censored" box.)

Mr. Meany: God damn every god damn thing to hell. Could you do me a favor, and please shoot me in the head immediately?

Sweetie: I think I've got a better idea. Here, have a look at this picture of Ann Coulter, the hateful Fox News she-demon.

(A picture of Coulter appears, and Meany's member instantly shrinks.)

Sweetie: That always does the trick.

Mr. Meany: It actually retracted so far into my abdomen that I think I have a vagina now. But in this series, I guess that's just par for the course.

Sweetie: I sure hope you learned your lesson. We should accept who we are. (She suddenly grows enormous boobs.) Dammit. Those Expando Incorporated jerks said that Boobs-a-Lot 3000 would give me tits 'til Tuesday, but these are more like Wednesday afternoon, at least.

A Different Banner Ad: Have you suffered grotesquely inflated sex parts as a result of using Expando Incorporated products? Attorney Larry H Hogsknuckle will fight for you!

Mr. Meany: Oh, god damn it.

DOLLED UP, part 3, the Final Chapter: Ursula Hitler's Head ep. 133

Egads! Feminist academic Fiona Pretzels has turned all of the men in this series into cute little blonde plastic fashion dollies! In the final chapter of the epic Dolled Up storyline, Mr. Meany and the other dolls make a daring escape from Fiona, hopping away through the woods as fast they can in their tiny plastic high heel dolly shoes. If you enjoy this episode, please head on over to Youtube and whip that like button. Whip it good!