The beginning of the end of the beginning

Tonight I completed the last episode of Ursula Hitler's Head.

No, I'm not actually ending the series, not quite yet. But Xtranormal has been having huge technical problems for a couple of months, and the problems have gotten so bad and they've been unfixed for so long that I think it's only a matter of time before the site shuts down for good. I couldn't let this series end without a proper resolution, so I went ahead and made the last episode now so I'll have it ready to post, if and when Xtranormal goes away.

Sometimes when a TV series is filming its final episode, the very last scene of the series is not the last thing they film. Sometimes they film the last scene, and then they've still got days of other stuff to shoot. They've defeated the bad guy, said their tearful farewells, switched off the lights... but then everybody's got to come back the next day and film all the stuff leading up to the ending. They have to put their wigs back on, and be those characters that they buried yesterday.

I always wondered how that felt. Well, now I guess I sort of know.

It makes you feel like you've gone back in time, or you've had some kind of premonition. You've seen the future, in perfect clarity. You know who makes it to a happy ending, and who doesn't. You know that everything happening now is all just leading inevitably to the ending you've already seen.

I must admit, part of me is tempted to just post the final episode now. My page views are in the shitter, my personal life is in a shambles and I'm restless and frustrated, on the brink of some kind of huge change.

As much as I've enjoyed making this series, as much as I love these characters, there's no denying that it's time to stop. I mean, a lot of this site's traffic is literally confused Russians coming from some very weird spam sites. They're here for 15 seconds and then that's it, they're gone forever.

Whatever goofy dreams I had about this show becoming successful simply have not come true.

There are dozens of very good reasons to stop, and the only reason I keep going is because... well, because I just can't seem to stop. Not yet. At this point, this series feels more like a symptom than a cure. I should stop. I really should. But I'm not stopping.

I have seen the end, and I have said my tearful farewells, and I have buried the bodies. Someday, and probably someday fairly soon, I will post that final episode.

But not today.

BODY SHOPPING - Ursula Hitler's Head, episode 141

Mr. Meany is once again trying to hack into Xtranormal and give himself a healthy, gorgeous young bod. Well, I think we all know where this is going. Poor bastard never learns, does he?

Hope you folks enjoy this one, because the special effects were a bitch and a half. If you DID enjoy this episode, maybe you should click around in the archives. We got like a million other crazy fetish cartoons in there, just waiting for you. And please don't forget to give that Youtube like button a tap. Seriously, those special effects were a freaking nightmare. The least you can do is tap a goddamn like button. I mean, come on. Jesus.

NOW WITH TRANSCRIPT!:

Sweetie: Welcome back to the show, folks. I am Sweetie, and on today's show...

(Dramatic chord as we pull out to see that Mr. Meany has no body and is just a floating head.)

Sweetie: Oh, Jesus.

Mr. Meany: Hello, folks.

Sweetie: Meany, I don't know if you've noticed, but you've lost a lot of weight recently... specifically, everything from the neck down.

Mr. Meany: Yes. I was experimenting with Xtranormal's programming again, trying to give myself a strong, virile young body. Well, unfortunately there were a few complications.

Sweetie: There's a big surprise.

Mr. Meany: I think I finally have it figured out. (He turns to face the camera.) Computer, do a system-wide search for a really cool, sexy dude character model, and then give me that body.

(Suddenly he turns into a young hipster from the neck down, wearing a skull t-shirt.)

Mr. Meany: How do you like this one? I'm a sassy hipster boy now. I think I've even got an ironic tattoo on my left buttock.

Sweetie: Please, just go back to being yourself.

Mr. Meany: Well, how about this? Computer, give me the body of an athletic fellow. Something sporty and supple.

(His hipster body turns into a jock body wearing a sports jersey.)

Mr. Meany: This one's nice. Much better than my busted-up old man body.

Sweetie: I think your busted-up old man body is fine the way it is. It fits who you are.

Mr. Meany: But I don't want to be who I am! I want to be everything I'm not, the exact opposite of me.

Sweetie: I really don't think you should keep tinkering with your programming like this. Something always goes wrong.

Mr. Meany: Look, everybody knows you girls have no sense of adventure and you're no good at computer stuff. So just relax, and leave the science to us men-folk.

(Sweetie glowers at him.)

Mr. Meany: Okay computer, give me a body with abs of steel. A real sex machine!

(He turns into a robot from the neck down.)

Sweetie: Seriously, how did you not see that one coming?

Mr. Meany: Come on computer, don't be so retarded. What I meant was, give me the hottest, most super-sexiest body you've got!

(Suddenly Meany has a very sexy, very female body with very, very big boobs. Meany's new body is so buxom that we even hear cartoon boing noises and an old-fashioned wolf-whistle.)

Mr. Meany: Oh, dear. Apparently the computer likes cheap floozies with big, bouncy bazongas.

Sweetie: Well, who doesn't?

Mr. Meany: Listen, Computer...

Sweetie (interrupting): Computer, lock his character model and password protect all changes!

Mr. Meany: What the crap? Sweetie, why did you do that? Now I'm stuck with these bodacious ta-tas!

Sweetie: Sorry, but our viewership has been down lately... and I bet your gigantic, jiggly jugs are just what we need to boost our ratings.

Mr. Meany: Now listen, Sweetie, this isn't funny. Turn me back into a man. My cleavage is so deep, looking down into it is giving me vertigo!

Sweetie: Come on, Boom-Boom, there's a sale on push-up bras down at Bob's Big and Busty Boutique.

Mr. Meany: Damn it. I should have quit while I was ahead.

(Editor's note: Get it? "A head." Yeah.)

THE PUBERTY FAIRY - Ursula Hitler's Head, ep. 140

Join Jenny and Jimmy as they learn what happens when the Puberty Fairy comes to visit... Let's just say, it's not what they expected! If you thought YOUR puberty was freaky, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

(If anybody is even slightly freaked out about this cartoon, would it help if I told you that Jenny and Jimmy are actually 18? After all, sometimes puberty can start at 18! Look it up! So relax, already.)

If you enjoyed this very weird and naughty cartoon, dig around in the archives and you'll find heaps of weird naughtiness. And please, don't forget to give that Youtube like button a tap!

INSIDE FIONA PRETZELS PART 3 - Ursula Hitler's Head, ep. 139

Still trapped inside the body of feminist grad student Fiona Pretzels, Mr. Meany experiences the exciting world of lesbian dating! But will Meany and Fiona make a "love connection"?

If you enjoy this episode, click around in the archives to experience literally dozen of episodes of this weird fetish comedy stuff. Go ahead, treat yourself. And don't forget to bang that Youtube "like" button like David Lee Roth banging a groupie back in the Van Halen glory days! Well, you know... metaphorically. I mean, don't actually snort a few lines of coke and then try to have sex with a Youtube "like" button. That would not end well.

NOW WITH TRANSCRIPT!:

Fiona: Listen Mr. Meany, I've got a hot date tonight, and I don't want you to ruin it.

Mr. Meany: What do you mean, Fiona? Why would I ruin it?

Fiona: Just don't say anything. Here she comes.

(Lizzy arrives.)

Fiona: Hi, Lizzy.

Lizzy: Hi, Fiona.

Mr. Meany (lustily eyeing her): Well, hello gorgeous.

Lizzy: What?

Mr. Meany: Oops! Sorry, Fiona. No, I mean, of course I AM Fiona. I'm a perfectly ordinary young lesbian lady, but I have a sore throat today that makes me sound like a 46-year-old British man!

Lizzy: What?

Fiona: Nothing. You look lovely, Lizzy. I was thinking maybe we could get a vegetarian pizza and then go see that new French lesbian drama, Mon Vibrateur Magique.

Lizzy: Okay.

Mr. Meany: Oh, come on, Lizzy doesn't want to do that. Let's get sushi and then go see Twin Sister Tickle Party Part 6, instead.

Lizzy: What?

Fiona: Oh, God damn it! What the hell do you think you're doing?

Mr. Meany: You're obviously totally blowing this! But don't worry, I've seen enough lesbian pornography to know what to do.

Lizzy: Fiona, I don't know what's going on, but you're acting super-freaky.

Mr. Meany: Come on back to my place and get all up in my lady business, you sweet little chocolate biscuit!

Lizzy: Wow. I'm going to run away screaming now.

(True to her word, Lizzy runs away screaming.)

Mr. Meany: Thanks a lot, Fiona. If you'd let me do the talking, we could be bumping fuzzies with a sexy young black lady tonight. You're really not very good at being a homosexual lady. Thank goodness I'm here now to teach you how to do this whole lesbian thing right.

Fiona: Oh, really? Well, here comes another young woman I know. Maybe you can teach us both a thing or two. Her name is Butternut. Butternut Squash.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC! Butternut is revealed, still in her slutty outfit from the end of her previous episode.)

Butternut: Hi.

Mr. Meany: Fiona, we have to get out of here! You don't know what this girl is capable of doing.

Butternut: Fiona knows all about the strange powers of my belly, Mr. Meany.

Fiona: I'm writing an essay about Butternut for Ms. Andry's Deconstructing the Postmodern Misogynist Narrative class. As a woman who swallows people and transforms them in her magic unbirthing pouch, Butternut's such an anti-feminist nightmare that I may just write my dissertation on her.

Mr. Meany: But Butternut, when you got turned into a nympho floozy a few episodes back, I thought it cured you of unbirthing and transforming people.

Butternut: Nope. I used to unbirth and transform people because I was a twisted, repressed shrew. Now I unbirth and transform people because I'm a twisted, kinky bitch!

Mr. Meany: Oh, crap.

Butternut: Open wide, Fiona.

(Butternut opens her mouth and uses her awesome unbirthing powers to suck Mr. Meany out of Fiona's body and into her own belly.)

Mr. Meany (from inside Buttermilk's swollen tummy): Oh, God damn it.

Buttermilk (to Fiona): What do you want me to do to him? Should I turn him into a six-year-old girl in a cute little sailor suit? Or how about a sexy french maid to serve you tea and crumpets?

Fiona: Tempting. But I've got a better idea...

(Title card: AND SO. Cut to later that day, as Sweetie is arriving back at the room she shares with Mr. Meany.)

Sweetie: Meany, I'm home.

(Pull out to see that Fiona is there.)

Sweetie: Oh. Hello, Fiona.

Mr. Meany (in the form of Fiona): No, I'm Mr. Meany. But now I'm stuck looking like this!

Sweetie: What? Why?

Mr. Meany: Fiona's gonna spend the next month at home, watching The L Word on Netflix... and if I ever wanna change back, I've gotta get a freaking A-plus in Ms. Andry's Deconstructing the Postmodern Misogynist Narrative class!

INSIDE FIONA PRETZELS PART 2 - Ursula Hitler's Head, ep. 138

In our last episode Mr. Meany ended up inside the body of his nemesis, feminist grad student Fiona Pretzels. No, he's literally INSIDE HER BODY, he's all folded up in there. Forced to co-exist in this manner, how will this odd couple get along? Watch, and learn!

If you enjoy this episode, go ahead and click around in the archives, where you will find many more weird, sexy and weirdly sexy cartoons. And don't forget to work that Youtube "like" button. Yeah, baby. Work it good.

NOW WITH TRANSCRIPT!:

Sweetie: Hello again, folks. Mr. Meany is late for today's episode, so I guess I'll...

(Mr. Meany arrives, still in the body of Fiona Pretzels.)

Mr. Meany: Hang on, I'm here!

Fiona (taking over her body to speak): You mean, "Fiona and I are here."

Mr. Meany: Fiona, please be quiet. Sweetie and I are trying to do an episode of the show.

Fiona: I want you out of my body right now! I'm sick of you peeking at my tits when you think I'm asleep, and using my butt to crap with.

Mr. Meany: You're a fine one to talk. You eat freaking lentils and beans all day, and I'm stuck inside your skin with your stinky hippie farts.

Sweetie: Does anybody wanna explain what's going on here?

Fiona: Your gross old man whiskers keep poking my insides. You're giving my gums stubble-rash!

Mr. Meany: Well, your body's too tight. I'm really starting to chafe in here.

Sweetie: Look, I don't know how the heck Meany ended up in Fiona's body, but I'm sick of you two arguing. I'm gonna go get an Orange Julius with Mandy, and when I come home I expect to see you behaving like a civil young lady with a civil middle-aged man inside of her!

(Sweetie exits.)

Mr. Meany: Look, Fiona, we need to talk about what happened last night. I mean, specifically the shagging.

Fiona: I don't remember anything. The shock of having you inside my body must have made me temporarily insane, and I blacked out and did horrible, disgusting things I can't even remember anymore.

Mr. Meany: Come on, don't freak out about it. We just got carried away.

Fiona: But... I never did anything with a man before. I don't even like men! I hate men! That's my thing!

Mr. Meany: Hey, I once got so horny I had sex with a warm rhubarb pie... but shagging one pie doesn't make me a pie-sexual.

Fiona (despairing): Oh, God. I had sex with a man who had sex with a freaking pie.

Mr. Meany: So, maybe you're not 100 percent man-hating lesbo. Well, nobody is 100 percent anything. But if you look deep inside yourself, you know who you really are. Well, technically, right now deep inside yourself, there's me. But you know what I mean.

Fiona: Mr. Meany, I think that may be the least appalling thing you've ever said to me. It was almost... sensitive. (A pause.) Hang on. Why do I feel you getting an erection inside of me?

Mr. Meany: I'm sorry. I'm remembering that pie.

Fiona: Get out of me right now, or I'm gonna eat lentils and beans until I crap you out!

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, part 9

Me, doing a 2003 selfie. Hey, at least I didn't do the ol' Myspace duck face.

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, pt. 8

Me, pouting like the teacher sent me to the principal's office for showing up at school in a 1950s hooker dress that shows off too much boob.

This one isn't quite as old as the others. I'm guessing... 2005?

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, pt. 7

An old picture of me, perhaps taking the whole "make love to the camera with your eyes" thing a bit too literally. I look like I'm about to dry-hump you with my eyeballs.

I wasn't feeling myself up. I just had an itchy boob. Yeah.

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, pt. 6

Another ancient picture of me. Sweet Jesus, I look like I am about to murder you. I never try to look evil and angry in my pictures. It just happens. I'm a nice girl with an evil, angry face!

But you gotta give me this: my cleavage was always spectacular.

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, pt. 5

Yet another old pic of moi. No, I was never a drama queen or anything.

Crappy keychain digital cameras were so wonderfully forgiving.

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, pt. 4

Another picture of me back in ye olden days. I've always been scary as hell, even when I'm not trying to be. In this picture I look like I am about to devour your soul.

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, pt. 3

Another outfit for a theme night at Dragstrip 66. I don't remember the theme anymore. Biker chicks, maybe? I look like some sort of chola pro wrestler. Works for me.

INSIDE FIONA PRETZELS - Ursula Hitler's Head ep. 137

In what may just be our most peculiar episode yet, Mr. Meany takes us on a fantastic voyage deep inside the skinny little hippie chick body of feminist academic Fiona Pretzels. Weird, gross and kind of sexy hijinks ensue!

If you enjoy this episode, don't forget to lovingly caress that Youtube "like" button!

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, pt. 2

Here's another lovely picture of your friendly neighborhood tranny diva, Ursula Hitler, circa the turn of the century. This was an outfit for some sort of theme night at the old club, Dragstrip 66. It's not like I walk around in pearls and a velvet Jessica Rabbit dress all the time... Although I kind of wish I did.

Pictures of Ursula Hitler, pt. 1

When Geocities went under a couple of years ago it took my ancient personal site with it. That old site is still archived online, and while it's dated and kind of embarrassing there's still plenty that I like about it. Reading my old diaries is mortifying, but it simultaneously makes me pine for the crazy life I used to lead. (Jesus, that was a long, long time ago. I've lived quite a storied life for a girl barely over 30.)

Recently I Googled my name and I was appalled to see that the few photos that came up were really unflattering - mostly random shots people took at clubs like 15 years ago, on nights when I was drunk and slouchy, and my wig looked assy. Since my old site went away, those ugly shots of me were all that was left online. Well, being a vain old bitch, I couldn't stand that...

So this month I'm going to be posting my old pictures here, in hopes that they will rise to the top in the Google search results, replacing the ones there now. So, here's today's picture of me from 1999-2003-ish:




Yes, I got a little too Warhol-y with the filters on this one, but I really did used to look like this on a good night. Being 20-something was nice.