Sunday, May 19, 2013

INSIDE FIONA PRETZELS PART 3 - Ursula Hitler's Head, ep. 139

Still trapped inside the body of feminist grad student Fiona Pretzels, Mr. Meany experiences the exciting world of lesbian dating! But will Meany and Fiona make a "love connection"?

If you enjoy this episode, click around in the archives to experience literally dozen of episodes of this weird fetish comedy stuff. Go ahead, treat yourself. And don't forget to bang that Youtube "like" button like David Lee Roth banging a groupie back in the Van Halen glory days! Well, you know... metaphorically. I mean, don't actually snort a few lines of coke and then try to have sex with a Youtube "like" button. That would not end well.


Fiona: Listen Mr. Meany, I've got a hot date tonight, and I don't want you to ruin it.

Mr. Meany: What do you mean, Fiona? Why would I ruin it?

Fiona: Just don't say anything. Here she comes.

(Lizzy arrives.)

Fiona: Hi, Lizzy.

Lizzy: Hi, Fiona.

Mr. Meany (lustily eyeing her): Well, hello gorgeous.

Lizzy: What?

Mr. Meany: Oops! Sorry, Fiona. No, I mean, of course I AM Fiona. I'm a perfectly ordinary young lesbian lady, but I have a sore throat today that makes me sound like a 46-year-old British man!

Lizzy: What?

Fiona: Nothing. You look lovely, Lizzy. I was thinking maybe we could get a vegetarian pizza and then go see that new French lesbian drama, Mon Vibrateur Magique.

Lizzy: Okay.

Mr. Meany: Oh, come on, Lizzy doesn't want to do that. Let's get sushi and then go see Twin Sister Tickle Party Part 6, instead.

Lizzy: What?

Fiona: Oh, God damn it! What the hell do you think you're doing?

Mr. Meany: You're obviously totally blowing this! But don't worry, I've seen enough lesbian pornography to know what to do.

Lizzy: Fiona, I don't know what's going on, but you're acting super-freaky.

Mr. Meany: Come on back to my place and get all up in my lady business, you sweet little chocolate biscuit!

Lizzy: Wow. I'm going to run away screaming now.

(True to her word, Lizzy runs away screaming.)

Mr. Meany: Thanks a lot, Fiona. If you'd let me do the talking, we could be bumping fuzzies with a sexy young black lady tonight. You're really not very good at being a homosexual lady. Thank goodness I'm here now to teach you how to do this whole lesbian thing right.

Fiona: Oh, really? Well, here comes another young woman I know. Maybe you can teach us both a thing or two. Her name is Butternut. Butternut Squash.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC! Butternut is revealed, still in her slutty outfit from the end of her previous episode.)

Butternut: Hi.

Mr. Meany: Fiona, we have to get out of here! You don't know what this girl is capable of doing.

Butternut: Fiona knows all about the strange powers of my belly, Mr. Meany.

Fiona: I'm writing an essay about Butternut for Ms. Andry's Deconstructing the Postmodern Misogynist Narrative class. As a woman who swallows people and transforms them in her magic unbirthing pouch, Butternut's such an anti-feminist nightmare that I may just write my dissertation on her.

Mr. Meany: But Butternut, when you got turned into a nympho floozy a few episodes back, I thought it cured you of unbirthing and transforming people.

Butternut: Nope. I used to unbirth and transform people because I was a twisted, repressed shrew. Now I unbirth and transform people because I'm a twisted, kinky bitch!

Mr. Meany: Oh, crap.

Butternut: Open wide, Fiona.

(Butternut opens her mouth and uses her awesome unbirthing powers to suck Mr. Meany out of Fiona's body and into her own belly.)

Mr. Meany (from inside Buttermilk's swollen tummy): Oh, God damn it.

Buttermilk (to Fiona): What do you want me to do to him? Should I turn him into a six-year-old girl in a cute little sailor suit? Or how about a sexy french maid to serve you tea and crumpets?

Fiona: Tempting. But I've got a better idea...

(Title card: AND SO. Cut to later that day, as Sweetie is arriving back at the room she shares with Mr. Meany.)

Sweetie: Meany, I'm home.

(Pull out to see that Fiona is there.)

Sweetie: Oh. Hello, Fiona.

Mr. Meany (in the form of Fiona): No, I'm Mr. Meany. But now I'm stuck looking like this!

Sweetie: What? Why?

Mr. Meany: Fiona's gonna spend the next month at home, watching The L Word on Netflix... and if I ever wanna change back, I've gotta get a freaking A-plus in Ms. Andry's Deconstructing the Postmodern Misogynist Narrative class!


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