INSIDE URSULA HITLER'S HEAD 73: SWAP MEAT - THE THRILLING CONCLUSION!

Sweetie mischievously hacked into Xtranormal and swapped her genitals with Mr. Meany, only to discover that she really, really liked being a girl with somethin' extra. After spending a few weeks as a man with lady parts, Mr. Meany is fed up with Sweetie's shenanigans. He's going to show Sweetie that it's not so fun when somebody starts stealing your favorite body parts!

INSIDE URSULA HITLER'S HEAD 72: SWAP MEAT, pt. 6

Mr. Meany and Mandy the Microbe discuss living with lady parts, and the mysteries of love.

A while back I read an interview with Garry Shandling, about his old, pre-Larry Sanders series, It's Garry Shandling's Show. It's Garry Shandling's Show was a very post-modern, very 1980s thing where Shandling constantly broke character to talk to the audience and comment on the episode's plot. In the interview, Shandling talked about what a great crutch that was for a novice screenwriter, how instead of having to figure out stuff like subtext and exposition you could just have a character turn to the camera and say, "Now I'm at the restaurant to meet my older brother, Mike. He's a wealthy heart surgeon and I've spent my whole life feeling like he looks down on me. I haven't seen him in a couple of years, so this could be pretty awkward."

When I read that, I could totally relate. The format of Inside Ursula Hitler's Head lets me get away with murder, I can just have my characters turn to the camera and tell you what happened last time and exactly how they feel about it. But sometimes I want to go a little deeper, to have the characters say one thing and mean another, or for them to not totally understand how they feel. That's how real people act, and it's something I'm struggling to learn how to portray.

I don't know how well I managed it in this episode. I'm not sure if it's clear what Meany and Mandy are saying without quite saying it, or if it just seems way too obvious and on-the-nose. This is one of those episodes that will probably seem embarrassing and clumsy in six months, but it's the best I can manage for right now. I'm learning as I go, and that means you get to watch me flail (or fail) sometimes.

INSIDE URSULA HITLER'S HEAD 71: SWAP MEAT, pt. 5

Sweetie hacked into Xtranormal and swapped her naughty bits with Mr. Meany... And now poor Meany is starting to wonder if she's ever going to swap them back!

As I've said before, I'm really sort of a half-assed bisexual. Dudes in the abstract can turn me on, but I never have crushes on specific guys or anything. So when I had to think of sex fantasies for Sweetie, I kinda had to do some mental gymnastics, and figure out which guys I would be hot for if I were hot for guys. I think Bowie and evil-Spike are awesome, but my fangirl-dom isn't really sexual. It's weird. I'm weird.

INSIDE URSULA HITLER'S HEAD 70: SWAP MEAT, pt. 4

Sweetie swapped naughty bits with Mr. Meany, and her best friend Mandy the Microbe was recently transformed into a clone of Sweetie. Now Sweetie hopes to at last fulfill her ultimate fantasy, and make love to her own sweet self.

INSIDE URSULA HITLER'S HEAD #69: SWAP MEAT, pt. 3

Sweetie still has Mr. Meany's, er, equipment, and she decides to take it for a test drive when she goes on a date with Fiona Pretzels. But will they make a "love connection?"

This is probably my raunchiest episode yet. It's not like I have everybody swearing or anything, but when you're writing a weird fantasy sex comedy scene about balls, wieners and lesbians, things do tend to get salty.

I still love Xtranormal, but they really dicked me over with some of their recent format changes. Welcome back to the age of blurry, overexposed clips. (Just pretend it's a really, really sunny day in the cafeteria.) Sweetie and Meany still have their regular voices for now, but I'm not sure how long that will last.

I've decided I am going to provide transcripts for some episodes, but I'm going to censor certain naughty words so I hopefully won't get flagged.

TRANSCRIPT:

Sweetie: Listen Fiona, before we go on our l*zbo date tonight, there are two important things you should know...

Fiona: Go ahead.

Sweetie: Okay. Thing one, I'm really not looking for a serious relationship here. I just wanna have some fun.

Fiona: Hey, that's cool with me.

Sweetie: It is? I was worried your feelings would be hurt.

Fiona: Not at all. Actually I'm not interested in a relationship with you either. I mean, I don't even like you very much.

Sweetie: You don't?

Fiona: Oh, no... I think you're an appalling misogynist stereotype, a talking Bratz doll with a head full of cotton candy. But you're also hotter than a Baghdad summer, and I'm dying to spank that sweet cartoon booty.

Sweetie: I see. Well, if we're being totally honest, I think you're kinda cute in a sloppy hippie way, but I also think you're a repressed, self-satisfied dork who smells like stale bong water, and I only agreed to go out with you because I'm desperate for a good poke.

Fiona: Understood... So that's thing one. What's thing two?

Sweetie: Well, I got a fun little surprise for you tonight. (Proudly) You see... I have a penis.

Fiona: You have a...

Sweetie: I have a penis. Well, technically it's not really mine. I borrowed it.

Fiona: You borrowed a penis.

Sweetie: Yup. I've been learning how to hack Xtranormal's programming, and I figured out how to swap my naughty bits with Mr. Meany's. So, now he has my lady parts, and I have his gentleman parts. Isn't it awesome?

Fiona: Awesome?

Sweetie: Well, sure... Look, I know you don't normally dig the dudes, but most of me is still a girl. Just think of this like a special item on the menu. I got sweet melons, buttery buns, salty nuts, and mouth-watering sausage. I'm like a full breakfast buffet!

Fiona: Jesus Hermione Christ with granola sprinkles! Ursula has written some gross, sexist cartoons before, but a story about penis envy is a new low.

Sweetie: What? Oh come on, just because a girl in a story wants to have a willie for a while, that doesn't make the story some big statement about all women.

Fiona: Penis envy is the most toxic myth ever devised by the patriarchy, and it should have been buried along with Sigmund Freud! Let me guess, this is the part of the story where I'm supposed to renounce my r*g-muncher ways and fall down on my knees to sing the praises of the almighty ch0ad... After all, everybody knows that all it takes to turn a lesbian straight is a few stabs of the old p0rk sw0rd.

Sweetie: Oh, Jesus. Can't we please just skip this whole stupid argument and have nasty sex instead? I think you'll like my penis, it's really cute.

Fiona: Keep that tool of oppression in your horrible man panties! I absolutely refuse to take part in this story... I'm getting out of here, right now!

Sweetie: What? No, Fiona, come back... (Now alone, Sweetie turns to address the camera.) God damn it. No chick as hot as I am should ever have to suffer from blue b@lls.

INSIDE URSULA HITLER'S HEAD 68: SWAP MEAT, pt. 2

Sweetie was curious about what it's like to have boy parts... So she's mischievously swapped her naughty bits with Mr. Meany. Meany is irate about having his manhood hijacked, while Sweetie discovers that she really, REALLY likes being a chick with a... certain something extra.

I'll admit, I'm pretty proud of this episode. Maybe I'll hate it in six months, but for now it really cracks me up. I love that sound effect at the 3:03 mark.

I like doing the transcripts for these episodes, and I know they've helped my ranking in the search engines. But despite that, from now on I don't think I'll be doing many transcripts. It's too much work, for one thing... And I suspect that all those naughty words might make it easier for Youtube's anti-adult content police to track me down. These videos usually aren't that much more raunchy than stuff you'd see on Adult Swim or something, but I've seen people on Youtube get flagged for some pretty silly stuff.

>Not that anybody's asked, but yes, I know that Supernatural had a body-swap episode called Swap Meat. But I had the title in my head before that episode aired, and I'm too bitchy and petty to let it go now.

INSIDE URSULA HITLER'S HEAD 67: SWAP MEAT, pt. 1

Poor Mr. Meany has misplaced a certain... um, something. You know... A certain... um, MANLY something, if you catch my drift. Basically his, er, gentleman parts have gone missing, and they've been replaced by lady parts. Ever have one of those days?

TRANSCRIPT:

Meany: God damn it... Where could that thing be? (Notices audience.) Oh, hello folks... I'm sorry, but this isn't a good time for me to do a cartoon. You see, I've lost something very, very important.

Sweetie: (Arrives.) Hello, Meany.

Meany: Oh... Hello, Sweetie.

Sweetie: I heard you say you've lost something. What is it, pray tell?

Meany: Well... I'd rather not say. It's kind of embarrassing.

Sweetie: Oh, come on. How bad can it be?

Meany: Well, if you must know... I can't find my penis. It's just gone.

Sweetie: I see... Well, do you remember the last place where you left it?

Meany: Very funny... I woke up this morning, and my little soldier had gone AWOL. Now I have lady parts where my gentleman parts should be.

Sweetie: I see. Well, that's very sad, and its not hilarious at all... Hee-hee.

Meany: How can you laugh at a time like this? (He looks shocked.) Whoa! Sweetie, have I gone insane, or do you have an erection?

Sweetie: What? No, that's just a shadow on my shirt. A great big, throbbing, tumescent shadow. I absolutely do not have a raging boner.

Meany: I don't believe this... You stole my junk!

Sweetie: I didn't steal. I traded... I gave you MY junk. If anything, you traded up.

Meany: How the hell did you do it?

Sweetie: I learned a few tricks, watching you screw around with Xtranormal's programming.

Meany: But... I've tried restoring my program to default dozens of times today, and nothing happened.

Sweetie: Yeah... I kinda password protected our programs, so I could keep your penis for a while. I had plans.

Meany: Plans? What sort of freaking plans did you have for my penis?

Sweetie: I have a date with Fiona Pretzels, and it seemed like a penis would maybe come in handy. She's not really my type, but she asked me out, and I was curious to see what it's like to get an Oral Roberts.

Meany: Swap us back, right now! Give me my penis!

Sweetie: Can't I please keep it until Friday? I haven't even gotten to pee standing up yet.

Meany: No...return my manhood this instant!

Sweetie: OK, ya little drama queen. Computer, restore us to default settings, password Angry Inch.

(The computer buzzes, failing to comply.)

Sweetie: Oh, crap...

Meany: You forgot the password.

Sweetie: Relax, I'll think of it.

Meany: God, this is a nightmare... I'm so upset, my stomach's killing me.

Sweetie: Your stomach? Oh, no... I forgot about that.

Meany: Forgot about what?

Sweetie: Well... Let's just say this is your "special time". Today, you are officially a woman.

(He gives her a very sour look.)

Sweetie: In other words, you're gonna have my period.

Meany: Yes, I think we all understood that. You know, it's pretty sick of you to enjoy watching me be emasculated like this.

Sweetie: What? Meany, don't talk like that... You're my friend, I hate to see you suffer.

Meany: You still have an erection

Sweetie: (Sheepishly) Oh...Hee-hee.