Friday, February 4, 2011

INSIDE URSULA HITLER'S HEAD #69: SWAP MEAT, pt. 3


Sweetie still has Mr. Meany's, er, equipment, and she decides to take it for a test drive when she goes on a date with Fiona Pretzels. But will they make a "love connection?"

This is probably my raunchiest episode yet. It's not like I have everybody swearing or anything, but when you're writing a weird fantasy sex comedy scene about balls, wieners and lesbians, things do tend to get salty.

I still love Xtranormal, but they really dicked me over with some of their recent format changes. Welcome back to the age of blurry, overexposed clips. (Just pretend it's a really, really sunny day in the cafeteria.) Sweetie and Meany still have their regular voices for now, but I'm not sure how long that will last.

I've decided I am going to provide transcripts for some episodes, but I'm going to censor certain naughty words so I hopefully won't get flagged.

TRANSCRIPT:

Sweetie: Listen Fiona, before we go on our l*zbo date tonight, there are two important things you should know...

Fiona: Go ahead.

Sweetie: Okay. Thing one, I'm really not looking for a serious relationship here. I just wanna have some fun.

Fiona: Hey, that's cool with me.

Sweetie: It is? I was worried your feelings would be hurt.

Fiona: Not at all. Actually I'm not interested in a relationship with you either. I mean, I don't even like you very much.

Sweetie: You don't?

Fiona: Oh, no... I think you're an appalling misogynist stereotype, a talking Bratz doll with a head full of cotton candy. But you're also hotter than a Baghdad summer, and I'm dying to spank that sweet cartoon booty.

Sweetie: I see. Well, if we're being totally honest, I think you're kinda cute in a sloppy hippie way, but I also think you're a repressed, self-satisfied dork who smells like stale bong water, and I only agreed to go out with you because I'm desperate for a good poke.

Fiona: Understood... So that's thing one. What's thing two?

Sweetie: Well, I got a fun little surprise for you tonight. (Proudly) You see... I have a penis.

Fiona: You have a...

Sweetie: I have a penis. Well, technically it's not really mine. I borrowed it.

Fiona: You borrowed a penis.

Sweetie: Yup. I've been learning how to hack Xtranormal's programming, and I figured out how to swap my naughty bits with Mr. Meany's. So, now he has my lady parts, and I have his gentleman parts. Isn't it awesome?

Fiona: Awesome?

Sweetie: Well, sure... Look, I know you don't normally dig the dudes, but most of me is still a girl. Just think of this like a special item on the menu. I got sweet melons, buttery buns, salty nuts, and mouth-watering sausage. I'm like a full breakfast buffet!

Fiona: Jesus Hermione Christ with granola sprinkles! Ursula has written some gross, sexist cartoons before, but a story about penis envy is a new low.

Sweetie: What? Oh come on, just because a girl in a story wants to have a willie for a while, that doesn't make the story some big statement about all women.

Fiona: Penis envy is the most toxic myth ever devised by the patriarchy, and it should have been buried along with Sigmund Freud! Let me guess, this is the part of the story where I'm supposed to renounce my r*g-muncher ways and fall down on my knees to sing the praises of the almighty ch0ad... After all, everybody knows that all it takes to turn a lesbian straight is a few stabs of the old p0rk sw0rd.

Sweetie: Oh, Jesus. Can't we please just skip this whole stupid argument and have nasty sex instead? I think you'll like my penis, it's really cute.

Fiona: Keep that tool of oppression in your horrible man panties! I absolutely refuse to take part in this story... I'm getting out of here, right now!

Sweetie: What? No, Fiona, come back... (Now alone, Sweetie turns to address the camera.) God damn it. No chick as hot as I am should ever have to suffer from blue b@lls.

6 comments:

Seven said...

Looks like it's time for a quick transition episode that introduces the new voices. Yeah, it's a kludge, but it will do the job.

And I'm really enjoying the way that the cartoons are both meta and operating on their own terms at once. Normally, I find that really annoying, but I'm impressed with your ability to consistently pull it off.

Ursula Hitler said...

Thank you. I haven't made up my mind about the voices. As of now I still have some "in progress" cartoons that feature the old voices, and when those have been posted I'll have to either accept new voices or dub in the old ones. I guess I'll have to see how big a pain in the butt the dubbing would be.

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