Sunday, January 16, 2011
INSIDE URSULA HITLER'S HEAD 67: SWAP MEAT, pt. 1
Poor Mr. Meany has misplaced a certain... um, something. You know... A certain... um, MANLY something, if you catch my drift. Basically his, er, gentleman parts have gone missing, and they've been replaced by lady parts. Ever have one of those days?
Meany: God damn it... Where could that thing be? (Notices audience.) Oh, hello folks... I'm sorry, but this isn't a good time for me to do a cartoon. You see, I've lost something very, very important.
Sweetie: (Arrives.) Hello, Meany.
Meany: Oh... Hello, Sweetie.
Sweetie: I heard you say you've lost something. What is it, pray tell?
Meany: Well... I'd rather not say. It's kind of embarrassing.
Sweetie: Oh, come on. How bad can it be?
Meany: Well, if you must know... I can't find my penis. It's just gone.
Sweetie: I see... Well, do you remember the last place where you left it?
Meany: Very funny... I woke up this morning, and my little soldier had gone AWOL. Now I have lady parts where my gentleman parts should be.
Sweetie: I see. Well, that's very sad, and its not hilarious at all... Hee-hee.
Meany: How can you laugh at a time like this? (He looks shocked.) Whoa! Sweetie, have I gone insane, or do you have an erection?
Sweetie: What? No, that's just a shadow on my shirt. A great big, throbbing, tumescent shadow. I absolutely do not have a raging boner.
Meany: I don't believe this... You stole my junk!
Sweetie: I didn't steal. I traded... I gave you MY junk. If anything, you traded up.
Meany: How the hell did you do it?
Sweetie: I learned a few tricks, watching you screw around with Xtranormal's programming.
Meany: But... I've tried restoring my program to default dozens of times today, and nothing happened.
Sweetie: Yeah... I kinda password protected our programs, so I could keep your penis for a while. I had plans.
Meany: Plans? What sort of freaking plans did you have for my penis?
Sweetie: I have a date with Fiona Pretzels, and it seemed like a penis would maybe come in handy. She's not really my type, but she asked me out, and I was curious to see what it's like to get an Oral Roberts.
Meany: Swap us back, right now! Give me my penis!
Sweetie: Can't I please keep it until Friday? I haven't even gotten to pee standing up yet.
Meany: No...return my manhood this instant!
Sweetie: OK, ya little drama queen. Computer, restore us to default settings, password Angry Inch.
(The computer buzzes, failing to comply.)
Sweetie: Oh, crap...
Meany: You forgot the password.
Sweetie: Relax, I'll think of it.
Meany: God, this is a nightmare... I'm so upset, my stomach's killing me.
Sweetie: Your stomach? Oh, no... I forgot about that.
Meany: Forgot about what?
Sweetie: Well... Let's just say this is your "special time". Today, you are officially a woman.
(He gives her a very sour look.)
Sweetie: In other words, you're gonna have my period.
Meany: Yes, I think we all understood that. You know, it's pretty sick of you to enjoy watching me be emasculated like this.
Sweetie: What? Meany, don't talk like that... You're my friend, I hate to see you suffer.
Meany: You still have an erection
Sweetie: (Sheepishly) Oh...Hee-hee.