Saturday, March 2, 2013
MONSTER-DONG 3000! - Ursula Hitler's Head ep. 134
A conversation with a sexy banner ad lady leads to Mr. Meany experimenting with a topical "male enhancement" product. Things go about as well as you'd expect. This is either our funniest episode so far, or our stupidest... It's definitely our naughtiest. Jesus, this one is some naughty business.
If you enjoy this cartoon, please favorite it, share it, and smack that Youtube like button upside the head.
NOW WITH TRANSCRIPT:
Mr. Meany: Hello again, folks. On today's show...
Banner Ad: Hey, honey.
Mr. Meany: Oh, Jesus. It's another one of these annoying Youtube banner ads. We already had an exterminator spray the place, but these damn things keep coming back.
Banner Ad: You look like a sexy, sophisticated, 34-55 year old gentleman in the prime of his demographic life!
Mr. Meany: Go away, sleazy banner ad lady. I'm far too clever to fall for your tricks.
Banner Ad: Are you lonesome tonight?
Mr. Meany: No... Well, maybe a little. I mean... Yes, very much so. Sweetie went out on another date with some nasty rocker boy in skinny jeans. What does he have that I don't, aside from a cool haircut, minty fresh breath and sex appeal?
Banner Ad: Well, maybe he's got a certain something extra. You know... down there. If you want to compete, you've got to have what a girl wants, and a whole lot of it.
Mr. Meany: Oh... Well, I've certainly got more than enough in that department.
Banner Ad: If you use Monster-Dong 3000, it'll give you a humongous raging boner.
(Meany considers. Cut to later on...)
Mr. Meany: OK, I applied your product directly to my... Well, you know. So, when will I see the results?
Banner Ad: Very soon. Expando Incorporated is not responsible for any allergic reactions, psychological trauma, destruction of personal property or loss of life resulting from the use of Monster-Dong 3000.
Mr. Meany: Hang on, loss of life?
Banner Ad: Monster-Dong 3000 may cause vomiting, jellied eyeballs, bazooka diarrhea, irritable bowel syndrome, enraged bowel syndrome, psycho killer bowel syndrome, and purple nurples.
Mr. Meany: Oh, dear.
Banner Ad: Monster-Dong 3000 is a dangerously irresponsible product, made by terrible people to prey upon the personal insecurities of gullible losers. Monster-Dong 3000 should not be used under any circumstances. Exit, stage right.
(The banner ad leaps out of the scene. A black "censored" box suddenly appears over Meany's groin. The box continues to grow, quickly stretching out of the frame.)
Mr. Meany: Well, I don't see how this could get much more embarrassing.
(Scenes of the black "censored" box covering Mr. Meany's thingie, as it grows out of all control and causes havoc in the city.)
Mr. Meany: This is very, very not good. Oh, dear. Now it's coming back around. And it's doing loop-de-loops!
(Transition to an Xtranormal Newsreport.)
Brownie Piles: Brownie Piles here with the Xtranormal news. Today a balding, middle-aged local weirdo named Mr. Meany experimented with a sleazy topical male enhancement product, causing his wretched little dingle to expand to such monstrous proportions that it now threatens the entire city. Horrified witnesses describe Mr. Meany's raging boner as a tumescent nightmare from the depths of hell.
Mark Fardwarp: Having seen Mr Meany's raging boner, I now hate and fear all boners everywhere, including my own. So, I'm getting a sex change tomorrow.
Marcia Fardwarp: I'm his wife, and I'm totally okay with him cutting off his dingle. Actually, I'm a lesbian now. The sight of Mr. Meany's raging boner did that to me.
Brownie Piles: Authorities say that they are powerless to stop Mr. Meany's raging boner, because it's so gross that nobody wants to get near it.
(Cut to Sweetie and Mr. Meany at home. Meany's dong is still stretching out of the frame, covered by a black "censored" box.)
Mr. Meany: God damn every god damn thing to hell. Could you do me a favor, and please shoot me in the head immediately?
Sweetie: I think I've got a better idea. Here, have a look at this picture of Ann Coulter, the hateful Fox News she-demon.
(A picture of Coulter appears, and Meany's member instantly shrinks.)
Sweetie: That always does the trick.
Mr. Meany: It actually retracted so far into my abdomen that I think I have a vagina now. But in this series, I guess that's just par for the course.
Sweetie: I sure hope you learned your lesson. We should accept who we are. (She suddenly grows enormous boobs.) Dammit. Those Expando Incorporated jerks said that Boobs-a-Lot 3000 would give me tits 'til Tuesday, but these are more like Wednesday afternoon, at least.
A Different Banner Ad: Have you suffered grotesquely inflated sex parts as a result of using Expando Incorporated products? Attorney Larry H Hogsknuckle will fight for you!
Mr. Meany: Oh, god damn it.