Saturday, February 2, 2013

DOLLED UP: Ursula Hitler's Head ep. 131

Mr. Meany once again runs afoul of our favorite feminist intellectual Fiona Pretzels, and this time she exacts a most peculiar revenge.

If you enjoyed this episode, please head on over to Youtube and punch that like button so hard you give it a black eye and it has to tell its friends that it fell down the stairs.


Mr. Meany: Hello again, folks. Today we have a super-sexy episode for you... I'm going to list my 100 favorite boobies! Number 100, Sofia Vergara's right boob. Number 99, Sofia Vergara's left boob. Number 98...

(Fiona Pretzels arrives)

Fiona Pretzels: Hold it right there, Mr. Meany.

Mr. Meany: Oh dear. Folks, this is Fiona Pretzels, the feminist academic who is always barging into these cartoons uninvited.

Fiona: You've made some disgustingly misogynistic cartoons before, but this time you've hit a new low.

Mr. Meany: Every time I see you, you say I've hit a new low of disgusting misogyny. Just once I'd like to hear you say that I haven't hit a new low, and I am merely maintaining a consistent level of disgusting misogyny.

Fiona: I'm sick of you men treating women like objects, like we're just toys for your amusement... Well, now you're going to see what it's like.

Mr. Meany: What the hell are you talking about?

Fiona: This time you're going to be my toy, the ultimate pretty little plaything. Computer. Initiate program Plastic Skank, password MathIsHard.

(Mr. Meany turns into a pretty, smiling blonde mannequin.)

Mr. Meany: Hey! What happened? I can't move.

(In an impressive special effect brought about through tremendous effort and expense, Mr. Meany shrinks until he is just a little plastic blonde fashion doll that looks a lot like a Barbie but for legal purposes is definitely NOT BARBIE.)

Fiona: You're a Bambi Sparkles fashion doll. You're not even a Barbie. You're just a cheap little Barbie imitation from the 99 cent store.

Mr. Meany: What? Fiona, how did you do this? You don't know how to hack into Xtranormal!

Fiona: Don't worry your pretty little plastic head about that. I'm gonna have so much fun playing with my new dolly. I'm gonna dress you up in lots of frilly pink dresses and tiny high heel shoes, and you'll be the prettiest little toy ever.

Mr. Meany: Fiona, you twisted shrew. If I could move the fingers on my hand, I'd be flipping you off so hard.

(We move to a later scene set in a dark, kind of creepy attic room where Fiona has put Mr. Meany on a desktop with three other identical blonde dolls in different-colored dresses.)

Fiona: Welcome to your new home, Bambi. Say hello to your new friends, Ashley, Madison, and Bubbles.

Mr. Meany: Come on, Fiona. You can't keep me as a prisoner on some desktop with a bunch of cheap plastic toys.

Doll in Red Dress (Voice of Badd Doggy P): Yo, who you calling cheap, you nasty fool?

Mr. Meany: What? Oh no. Why does your voice sound familiar?

Badd Doggy P: Because I'm Badd Doggy P. This feminist academic bitch turned me into a damn Ashley doll.

Doll in Green Dress (Voice of Officer Nobb): Yeah. And I'm Officer Nobb.

Doll in Purple Dress (Voice of Skeeter): And I'm Skeeter!

Mr. Meany: Oh no, I'm in hell! I'm a plastic dolly, trapped forever on a desktop with Badd Doggy P, Officer Nobb, and... Hang on. Skeeter? Who the hell is Skeeter?

Skeeter: Come on, I've been in this series like 20 times! Why doesn't anybody ever remember me?

Fiona: The tyranny of male oppression in this cartoon is over. From now on, Fiona Pretzels is in charge... And all of you chauvinist boys are just cheap plastic toys!

(Dramatic, sinister music.)

Mr. Meany: (Aside to camera) You know, you'd think that the worst part about being turned into a Bambi Sparkles doll would be the humiliating loss of personal autonomy. But to be honest, all I can think about is how I really wish I'd had a chance to go to the bathroom while I was still anatomically correct.

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