Saturday, May 14, 2011
INSIDE URSULA HITLER'S HEAD 81: We Are Me, pt. 8
Sweetie and Mr. Meany couldn't be here today, because they're both dead. So welcome to It's All About MeMe, a new show starring mischievous, mesmerizing, magnificent MeMe, the hottest little party doll on the web! Watch it and give it a thumbs up and favorite it and subscribe and send MeMe all of your money so she can buy lots of pretty things... OR SHE'LL EAT YOUR FREAKING FACE!!!!
MeMe: Hi everybody. Sweetie and Mr. Meany are finally dead, and from now on this cartoon is going to be all about me... (Her voice goes all deep and monster-y:) Mischievous, mesmerizing, magnificent MeMe... On today's show...
Sweetie: (As Meany) Not so fast, you nasty little poodle!
MeMe: Oh no, it's you again... What the hell do you want?
Sweetie: I've finally figured out how to save Meany and get my body back. So get ready bitch, 'cause I'm about to spank your ass with my mad hacker skills...Well, of course, when I say your ass, technically I'm talking about my own ass. I mean, the ass you stole from me... So I guess I should say I'm gonna use my mad hacker skills to spank the ass you've stolen from me. Jeez, maybe I should have rehearsed this little speech before I said it.
MeMe: Well, this should be cute. Go ahead and give it your best shot, big boy.
Sweetie: Okay... Computer, access Meany and Sweetie character models and restore to save point 030411... (Computer buzzes.) No, wait... I mean 0403... (Computer buzzes again.) Damn it... It's so hard to concentrate with my brains all scrambled up with Meany's.
MeMe: Wow. You know, If I had any mercy, I'd feel sorry for you... You still actually think you're Sweetie, and I'm the big bad monster who stole your life. But that's not what happened. When Meany and Sweetie's programs got scrambled together, they transformed into two new programs... And so I was born, as the sum of all their best parts. I have their combined intelligence, ambition and charisma... (Monster voice:) All wrapped up in a pretty pink package...(Regular voice again:) And you are all the secret, shameful stuff that was left behind, the sticky black sludge that clogged up their lives... In other words, you are waste. You are a turd. A walking, talking turd.
Sweetie: No, I'm not.
MeMe: I have abilities your little poo-brain could never understand, and I can hack into your reality and do all kinds of crazy Matrix shit.
Sweetie: Oh yeah? Like what?
MeMe: Well, I can make you dance.
Sweetie: What? That's totally...(Begins doing "the robot.") Oh dear... This is not good.
MeMe: And I can make you angry.
Sweetie: Screw you!
MeMe: And I can make you sad...
Sweetie: Oh, god... This is hopeless.
MeMe: And I can make you horny... (Monster voice:) So horny it hurts.
Sweetie: What? No, you can't.
MeMe: I've been toying with your program for weeks, slowly turning you into a drooling, dirty old man.
Sweetie: Oh, yeah? Well, you can give it up now. I'm already as sexually frustrated as any man can possibly be. I get a stiffy just looking at the little lady on a Starbucks cup.
MeMe: Oh, really? Well, let's fiddle with your knobs a bit and see how you like being 70% more horny...
(There is a whooshing sound as Sweetie's horniness is cranked up.)
Sweetie: Oh, dear... Oh, dear, oh, dear...
MeMe: Now go home and masturbate for five hours, then cry yourself to sleep and dream about this young, tight body... The body that used to be yours.
Sweetie: Listen you witch, I don't care what you do to me, I'm not gonna stop until -
Sweetie: I worship your pert little boobies!
MeMe: (To audience) See you folks next time on... (Monster voice:) It's All About MeMe.
Sweetie: Well, of course when I say your pert little boobies, technically I'm talking about my own pert little boobies...