Friday, May 6, 2011
INSIDE URSULA HITLER'S HEAD 80: We Are Me, pt. 7
Sweetie and Mr. Meany swapped bodies, and now Meany is losing control and turning into a skanky mega-bitch! What will Sweetie do to save her friend and get her own pink, pretty little body back?
Sweetie-fied Meany: Hello, darlings. Believe it or not, I used to be that hideous potato bug of a man over there... But then we swapped bodies, and now I've gone from old fart to young tart!
Meany-fied Sweetie: Computer, access Meany and Sweetie character models and... I mean, access file 6G-79, and restore to... Damn it, please just swap our bodies back already.
SM: Oh, poor grandpa... He wants my body so bad, but he's never gonna get it.
MS: Snap out of it, Meany. This swap has totally screwed up our programs, and it's turned you evil.
SM: I'm not evil... I've simply achieved total perfection, and now I expect to be worshiped by wretchedly inferior creeps like you.
MS: The Mr. Meany that I know would never do something like this... And I know he's still there, somewhere deep inside your mind.
SM: No. Meany is dead. Every teeny tiny bit of his lame personality has been totally swallowed up by my supreme awesomeness.
MS: I don't believe that.
SM: I'll prove it. Meany had a little secret, something he would've rather died than tell you.
MS: He did?
SM: Yeah. And I'm going to tell it to you, right now...
MS: No... If Meany wanted it to be secret that much, it should stay secret.
SM: But I think you'll find this very interesting. You see, Mr. Meany always said that he hated everything and everybody, but that wasn't exactly true. Deep down, he really... (Suddenly she speaks in Mr. Meany's regular voice:) No! Shut up! You can't tell her that! (She recovers, and speaks again in her girl voice:) Well... What I meant to say was that Meany was... (In Meany's voice again:) Shut up! Shut your awful skank mouth, you awful skank!
MS: Meany? Is that you?
SM: (Sweetie voice again:) No! I told you, I killed Meany, he's as dead as bell bottoms, and... and... (Meany voice:) Sweetie... Please help me...
MS: Oh, Meany! I'll save you... Somehow.
SM: (Girl voice:) Shut up, old man... (Meany voice:) Give Sweetie her body back this instant, you horrible creature! (Sweetie voice:) Shut up, and get back in your dark little cage inside my brain, where you belong. I'm in charge now, and I'll never give up this body. I am a digital goddess, and you're just a sad little echo in my skull.
MS: No. You know what you really are? You are a bug... A programming error, a line of bad code. You're just a bitchy little glitch with delusions of glamor.
SM: That's enough, both of you! (She speaks to her inner Meany, with a deeper, scary voice:) Listen good, you little parasite... I know your secret, and if you want it to stay a secret you'll shut the hell up, and stay shut up forever... Understand? (Meany is silent. She speaks in her normal girl voice again:) Good boy.
SM: Sorry, but I'm afraid that your little friend can't come out and play... But if it's any consultation, you're so old now that you'll probably only be stuck in that body for a few years before you die.