Friday, April 22, 2011
INSIDE URSULA HITLER'S HEAD 78: We Are Me, pt. 5
Sweetie is desperate to get her own body back, but Mr. Meany doesn't want to be Mr. Meany anymore... And can you blame him?
Sweetie (As Meany): Hello again, folks. Well, I've been a bouncy young blonde, and I've been a sickly, broken down, sexually frustrated old man in a cheap suit, and let me tell you... Bouncy young blonde is better. Being Mr. Meany sucks. Everything hurts, and I smell like jarlsberg cheese.
Meany (as Sweetie): Hey... How's it hanging, Methuselah?
Sweetie: Oh, I see you're finally home. Where were you all day.
Meany: When a girl is as hot as I am, her social calendar is always full. You know how it is... Well, you used to anyway.
Sweetie: Have you figured out how to swap us back yet?
Meany: Not exactly, no... I've been too busy doing hot girl stuff.
Sweetie: Well, I can't stand this anymore. You're gonna have to screw me, right now.
Meany: Excuse me?
Sweetie: You heard me... I got all of your creepy old man lust pent up inside my big bald head, and I'm ready to explode. I gotta get my grandpa hands on the tender pink flesh of a young girl, pronto, and that's you.
Meany: No way...
Sweetie: Come on, that's my body you got, and I wanna use it!
Meany: I'm not gonna let my beautiful new boobs get groped by some old man who smells like jarlsberg cheese. And besides, even if I wanted to... I can't.
Sweetie: Why the hell not?
Meany: Well, because... I've already got a boyfriend.
Sweetie: You've got a what?
Meany: Well, actually I'm dating five or six boys... But Butch is my favorite, and I think -
Sweetie: I don't freaking believe this! What the hell are you doing, skanking around in my body? And since when-do you like boys, for crap's sake?
Meany: Look, you know this swap didn't just change our bodies. You were boy-crazy, so now I'm boy-crazy... It freaked me out at first, but now I love it. You wouldn't believe the things Butch can do in bed...
Sweetie: Hang on... Butch? Are you dating Butch Butchley? I've had my eye on that guy for weeks. You're using my body to shag the boy I was gonna shag! That's it, I don't care how we do it, but I want my body back right now.
Meany: Well... To be honest, I'm not so sure if this is really even your body anymore. I think maybe I'm more Sweetie now than you are.
Sweetie: What? No you're not!
Meany: Ever since we swapped we've still been changing, as our programs assimilate each other's code... So now I like boys, and shopping, and pink minidresses, and you've become a self-pitying, paranoid loser. With each passing moment, I'm becoming the new you... And you're becoming the new Mister Meany.
Sweetie: But... I don't wanna be Mister Meany!
Sweetie: Hey, neither did I... But eventually I kind of got used to it. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go get ready for my date with Butch tonight. If you get bored while I'm gone, under my old bed you'll find a stash of sticky porn magazines about pregnant women with mustaches.
Sweetie: Pregnant women... with...
Meany: Yeah. That's one of your many weird kinks now. If Butch comes while I'm still in the bathroom, tell him I'm just busy making myself even more beautiful...
Sweetie: But wait...
(Meany leaves for the bathroom.)
Sweetie: You know, the really appalling part is that I can't wait for him to leave so I can get my hands on those magazines.