Thursday, March 31, 2011
INSIDE URSULA HITLER'S HEAD 75: We Are Me, pt. 2
Mr. Meany is still in Sweetie's body, and he finds himself experiencing some powerful feminine... urges. It's an episode so naughty that even bleeping the naughty words doesn't help much.
Mr. Meany: Hello again folks. Believe it or not, I'm Mr. Meany... I swapped bodies with Sweetie, and now we're stuck like this. I've been turned into a girl so often in these cartoons, I'm almost used to it. I even have my own stash of Tampax for emergencies.
But this swap didn't just affect our bodies... It's also mixed up our personalities. This afternoon, I actually spent three hours shopping for panties...
Oh my god, I found this pink, Hanky Panky g-string, and it's like the cutest thing ever! (Catches himself) No, wait... Damn it, there I go again, thinking like Sweetie! I've got to control myself. I am not a party girl... I am a bitter old man who is no fun at all, and proud of it!
The worst part of all this is seeing guys the way that Sweetie sees them, and getting moist for jocks and skinny rocker boys. Like, there's a young troglodyte over there who has been finger-banging me with his eyes for the last half hour...
He's appalling, and I want to be appalled by his appalling-ness, but all I can think about is dressing up like a french maid for him and tickling his thighs with my feather duster. Oh no, he's headed this way...
(Butch Butchley, the hapless young fellow from the Mr. Boxxo cartoons, arrives on the scene.)
Meany: Oh... Hello, young male person. Listen, whatever your pretext was going to be for coming over here to talk to me, don't bother. We both know what you really want. You want to sweet talk me into the back of your van, so you can peel this little pink mini dress off of me, and then you want me to **** your **** while you **** me crazy, and then you'll finish by **** **** ****-ing all over my panties...
Well, forget about it! I'm not attracted to boys like you, not even a little bit! I only like girls! Girls with big boobies, and tiny feet, and no penises... I absolutely do not become dizzy with lust for virile, chiseled young men like you, and I don't care about that magnificent bulge in your clingy spandex shorts.
I've never understood why girls would wanna go out with a big, dumb frat-monkey like you, when they could enjoy a nice evening at home playing Scrabble with a sophisticated older gentleman with a stylish bow tie and a receding hairline.
Sure, you've got those dreamy eyes and bulging muscles and you smell like a brisk spring morning, and your athletic training probably gives you a lot of stamina in bed, and I bet our babies would be GORGEOUS... (Catches himself again.) Oh Christ, just do me already.
Butch: Well... Actually, I was just going to ask if you had change for the vending machine.
Meany: Oh... Well, this is excruciatingly awkward.
Butch: But if you wanna go have sex in the back of my van, that's cool with me.
Meany: Oh. Then yes, please... But seriously, no **** **** ****-ing all over my panties. They're new.