Tuesday, December 28, 2010

INSIDE URSULA HITLER'S HEAD 65: Furry - THE THRILLING CONCLUSION!





Will Sweetie defeat Lulzo the killer clown? Will she save her pal Mr. Meany from being devoured by his own mermaid babies? Will she discover a cure for the furry flu? Watch and learn, in the thrilling conclusion to our most epic, strange and kinky storyline yet!

TRANSCRIPT:

(Sweetie is a mermaid, under the sea.)

Sweetie: Meany, I came back. Where are you? (We hear a sickly cough, then we pull out to see Meany. He is a mermaid, comatose and covered with gross sores.) Oh, Jesus... Poor Meany. You look like something from the dumpster behind an H. Salt Fish & Chips.

Voice of Lulzo: Greetings.

(She turns to see Lulzo in his mermaid form.)

Sweetie: Lulzo!

Lulzo: Welcome back, Sweetie. You're just in time to watch Meany's eggs hatch. And you know what's going to happen then?

Sweetie: Meany will die, and your mermaid babies will eat him up... But I won't let that happen.

Lulzo: Of course. I've been watching your recent cartoons on Youtube, and I know you're gonna do some amateur computer hacking to try and save Mr. Meany. Well, don't bother. Meany's program is so degraded now, one misplaced bracket could kill him.

Sweetie: I'm not gonna do anything to Meany's program. I've been watching these cartoons too, and I saw the one where you explained how mermaids make each other lay eggs by singing their enchanting mermaid song.

Lulzo: Yeah. So what?

Sweetie: So you're a mermaid too, dumb ass. (Sings the mermaid fertility song:) Woo e o o e o o... Woo e o o e o o.

Lulzo: What? (Realizes.) Oh, shit!

(A splooshing sound, then we pull back to see that Lulzo has laid hundreds of eggs.)

Lulzo: Well, it seems you do have a fragment of brain somewhere in that pretty blond skull after all. But you're still not clever enough to defeat the great Lulzo. Computer, access lake environment sector six, and delete Lulzo eggs. (Computer buzzes, failing to comply.) What the crap? Why didn't it work?

Sweetie: Maybe I'm not clever enough to figure out how to cure the furry flu. But I am clever enough to create a computer virus of my own. Xtranormal is all frozen up. Nobody's commands will work, until I say they will. So, now you're gonna be a mommy for MY little fish babies... Or at least you will be, until they eat you up. If you wanna live, tell me how to cure the furry flu.

Lulzo: I'll die first.

Sweetie: Oh, Christ. What's this all about anyhow? What's the point of turning us all into animal people?

Lulzo: Watching you all transform into furries was just a bonus. I really did this to get my ultimate revenge on Meany.

Sweetie: By making him the mother of your children?

Lulzo: Yes! I have totally emasculated him. My victory is complete!

Sweetie: Dude, that is just sad.

Lulzo: What do you mean?

Sweetie: Look, I know Meany hurt you when he didn't wanna be your gay boyfriend, but you gotta get over it.

Lulzo: What? No, It wasn't a gay thing.

Sweetie: You guys had sex.

Lulzo: Well... Yes, but he was a girl at the time. He had a vagina and everything.

Sweetie: You went through all this, just to get back at some dude who screwed you and never called you back. That's not an evil plan... it's just you being a little crybaby Nancy boy.

(Long pause.)

Lulzo: No, I'm not.

(Later, Meany and Sweetie are in their room, restored to their normal bodies.)

Meany: I can't believe it... You actually shamed Lulzo into giving in.

Sweetie: Yep. Never underestimate what a repressed dude will do to prove he isn't a homo.

Meany: But... What happened to all of our eggs?

Sweetie: Well... I'm sorry to say that those mermaid babies all died before they hatched. It seems they were all infected with your digital syphilis.

Meany: Good lord. I guess my digital syphilis has once again saved the day! So, what happened to Lulzo?

Sweetie: We made a deal. He gave me the password to cure the furry flu, so I saved him from being eaten by our mermaid babies.

Meany: But where is he now?

Sweetie: Down in the lake. He's still a mermaid.

Meany: What? Why didn't he change himself back to normal?

Sweetie: Well, he programmed mermaids to have overpowering maternal instincts, so now that our eggs have hatched, he... (Video phone rings.) Oh, crap... That's probably him on the video phone right now. What is it now, Lulzo?

(Cut to under the sea, close up on Lulzo.)

Lulzo: Hello, Sweetie. You may think that you have defeated me, but soon I will have my revenge. And when I do... (Sound of puking. Pull out to see Lulzo surrounded by tiny mermaid babies that all look like Sweetie and Lulzo.) Oh, dear. Sweetie Junior #96 has had an ouchy tummy all afternoon, and now it looks like she's thrown up her pufferfish pudding. I'll call back later, and when I do, you will learn of my terrible vengeance, and how I will... (Grunt offstage.) God damn it. Lulzo Junior #63, if you don't behave and stop pulling Sweetie Junior #37's hair, mommy's gonna spank you right on your little fish bottom!

6 comments:

Mel said...

Yay! Sweetie saves the day! (I don't know why I'm so pleased by that, but I am.)

Ursula Hitler said...

Yeah, Sweetie saves the day at LEAST as often as Mr. Meany does, but she never gives herself credit.

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