Saturday, December 11, 2010
INSIDE URSULA HITLER'S HEAD 63: Furry, pt. 9
Sweetie, still a mermaid and desperate to save Mr. Meany from a terrible fate, seeks advice from feminist academic Fiona Pretzels. It goes about as well as you'd expect.
Sweetie: Hello, folks... I'm here with Fiona Pretzels, the feminist academic chick in this cartoon who's supposed to be super smart.
Fiona: Actually I find the term "feminist" too simplistic. I call myself a neo-femalist...
Sweetie: I see...
Fiona: ... Maxi-pedagogue-alist, repressive-hypothecist...
Sweetie: OK, well...
Fiona: ... Supercalifragilisticexpialadocialist.
Sweetie: Are you done?
Fiona: Pretty much. I simplified it for time's sake.
Sweetie: Please, I need help... Mr. Meany's in trouble, and I dunno how to end this story and save him. I hear you're supposed to know all this stuff about how stories work... Like you study narrative symbolism and everything.
Fiona: Yes. I recently completed a 500-page thesis on the subtextual phallocentricity of...
Sweetie: Great. So, Ursula is doing this crazy story where the furry flu is changing us all into animals. What does it all mean, and how do I change us back?
Fiona: Well, Ursula is a transvestite who envies woman-kind, so once again she has created a narrative in which women are subjected to grotesque and humiliating transformations. First, you were turned into a "fat cow," and now you're a "salty tuna"... While I have become a "hairy beaver." The insulting sexual connotations of these changes are obvious.
Sweetie: Oh, you're a beaver? I didn't know what those big furry feet were supposed to be.
Fiona: Yep. I even have a beaver tail, like a brown, rubbery waffle growing out of my butt.
Sweetie: Well, I'll admit there's plenty of disturbing imagery in this story. But never mind what it means... I just gotta know how to end it. Meany got turned into a mermaid, and if he doesn't change back soon, he'll die.
Fiona: Of course. In this phallocentric narrative, to become feminized symbolically equals death. It's so predictable!
Sweetie: Just tell me what the hell to do.
Fiona: Well... Maybe you should let Meany die.
Fiona: Ursula uses you both as crude symbols of what she considers the male and female parts of her mind... So naturally Meany's the smart one, and you're a cliched cartoon bimbo. Perhaps if Meany is eliminated from this narrative, Ursula will be forced to develop you into something more than a bubblegum-pink tool of the patriarchy.
Sweetie: (Offended.) Well... Go build a dam or something, beaver girl!
Fiona: I'm just trying to help you reach your potential as an empowered female protoganist.
Sweetie: Forget it... I don't got any potential. Lulzo said I was too dumb to save Meany, and he's probably right. My best friend is gonna get eaten by his own freaky fish babies, and I can't stop it!
Fiona: Look, just forget about Meany, he's an ugly old white dude... You need a partner who can be a friend, a lover, and a sister... Like, maybe a redhead neo-femalist beaver girl who can appreciate your mind, as well as your pert little boobies.
Sweetie: I see... So, it seems the man-hating feminist chick is actually a dyke. NOW who's the big cliche around here?
Fiona: Yes. Sadly, even I am not immune to Ursula's hackneyed storytelling. I'm a female intellectual who is highly critical of our patriarchal society... So of course, I like poon-tang. It's so predictable!
Sweetie: Listen, you've been no help at all, and I gotta go. But hey, if I'm in the mood for some lesbian action sometime, maybe I'll give you a call...
Fiona: Actually, I find the term "lesbian" too simplistic. I call myself a polyamorous vegan-vaginalist...
Sweetie: Oh, Jesus... Not this again!
Fiona: ... Post-bottom, femme-butch, meta-sexualist...
Sweetie: I'm leaving...
Fiona: ... Neo-maxi-zum-cunnalinguist...
Sweetie: Please stop talking now.