Tuesday, November 9, 2010
INSIDE URSULA HITLER'S HEAD 57: Furry, pt. 4
Mr. Meany is still a mermaid and Sweetie is still half cow! But as the furry flu continues to spread through Xtranormal, Sweetie and Meany develop some disturbing new symptoms. Moo!
Sweetie: Hello folks. For those of you just joining us, the furry flu has turned Mr. Meany into a freaking mermaid, and it turned me into a freaking cow monster.
Meany: (With his usual male voice.) Oh, come on. Being a furry's not so bad. Look on the bright side.
Sweetie: I eat 20 pounds of hay per day, I have to milk myself every few hours and I crap standing up. What's the bright side?
Meany: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm really starting to enjoy being a mermaid. It's so much fun to go swimming down in the lake.
Sweetie: That's great for you, Princess Ariel. But I can't fit my big cow ass through our front door, so while you're out there splashing around like Darryl Hannah, I'm stuck here all alone.
Meany: Jesus. Ever since you turned into a cow, you're always in a bad mood.
Sweetie: Well, I weight 500 pounds and I smell like a barn... (As she speaks, her voice momentarily turns into a very loud, deep cow's moo.) So pardon me if I'm in a bad MOOOOOO! What the crap? Did I just moo?
Meany: Sorry, but I wasn't really listening. (As he speaks his voice becomes female.) I was thinking about how cute I would look in a seashell bra.
Sweetie: Whoa! Meany, you have a girl voice, now!
Meany: Hey, you're right. Now I have a sexy mermaid voice to match my sexy mermaid body.
Sweetie: Oh no. Meany, I think the furry flu is still changing us. We gotta stop this somehow, before I turn into a cow completely and you end up stuck as a vain little mermaid bitch forever.
Meany: Yeah, right. You're just jealous, because I'm the pretty one now. You want to change me back into that horrible old man. Well, forget it. I'm gonna go live in the lake forever. I'm a mermaid, and that's where I belong.
Sweetie: But... If you do that, what'll happen to me?
Meany: There's a field of grass not far from here, where some other cow people are living.
Sweetie: I don't wanna go live in some crappy field with a bunch of freaking cow people!
Meany: I bet a fertile little holstein like you would be very popular. You could settle down with a nice bull, and raise a few calfs.
Sweetie: Dude, you are seriously turning all four of my stomachs. I'm about to puke up twenty pounds of hay.
Meany: Sweetie, face facts... We don't belong together anymore. I'm a super sexy sea siren, and you are cattle.
Sweetie: Oh really. Well, don't worry, I'll do fine all by myself. Go ahead and leave me, I don't give a damn.
Meany: OK, then. Bye bye, forever Sweetie. I hope you enjoy life as a cow.
Sweetie: Go on. Get your scaly fish ass out of here.
Sweetie: Well. He's finally gone.. And good riddance. Sweetie don't need him. Sweetie don't need nobody. I don't care if I am half cow. I can still be the baddest bitch on four legs. (Her voice turns into a cow's moo again.) I can still MOOOOO!
(She looks around the empty room, heartbroken.)
Sweetie: Or maybe I should just grind myself up into sad little hamburgers.