Friday, May 27, 2011
INSIDE URSULA HITLER'S HEAD 83: We Are Me - THE THRILLING CONCLUSION!
On no! The evil, twisted diva-skank MeMe has won! Sweetie is dead (for real) and Mr. Meany is a helpless prisoner inside of MeMe's head. Can MeMe be stopped, or is it too late? Find out in the explosive final chapter of We Are Me...
The music is a piece called "Rumination" by Kevin Macleod. I prefer to think of it as "Sweetie's Theme."
MeMe: Hello again, and welcome to another fabulous episode of It's All About MeMe. (Theme music.) On today's show, I'm gonna teach you (Monster voice:) how to skin a puppy to make a darling handbag!
MeMe: What the hell is this? You have exactly five seconds to explain why I shouldn't eat your eyeballs for interrupting my show.
Mandy: I'm sorry to interrupt Sweetie, but something terrible has happened.
MeMe: But I'm not... Oh, hang on, I get it. You must be Mandy, (Monster voice:) our little microscopic friend.
Mandy: What? Sweetie, what happened to your voice?
MeMe: Oh, it's just a little sore throat. So what's wrong Mandy? (Monster voice:) Tell your dear and trusted friend Sweetie all about it.
Mandy: Well... I think I've killed Mr. Meany.
MeMe: Oh, really. (Smiles.) How terrible.
Mandy: You told me that when people have sex, they get in bed together and they bounce around until they explode or something. I assumed it was just little sparkly explosions, like when you put tinfoil in the microwave... But I think I did the sex wrong, because Meany exploded into a million pieces!
MeMe: Hang on. You had sex with Mr. Meany?
Mandy: Well, I think so. But we didn't bounce around. I thought we were just talking, and then he suddenly exploded, with fire and a big scary noise. Is that how sex is supposed to work?
MeMe: No... But some girls are so clumsy and stupid and bad at sex that they can actually make boys explode and die. So now Meany is dead, and it's all your fault.
Mandy: Oh, no! I was afraid something like this would happen... I've killed poor Mr. Meany with my bad, stupid sex!
MeMe: Yes. And now you must be punished in a highly ironic and grotesque manner. I'm gonna change you back into a teeny, tiny microbe... And then I'm gonna execute you by scrubbing you up with Clorox bleach.
Mandy: Yes... Scrub me to death, I deserve it.
MeMe: Yes, you do. Computer, access Mandy character model and restore to original parameters. (Mandy turns back into a microbe and vanishes.) That's better. Although now that I think of it, scrubbing the floor is what servants are for. (Monster voice:) Maybe I'll just burn down this whole building instead.
(Mr. Meany reappears, speaking through MeMe's body.)
Meany: You knew Sweetie was going to die.
MeMe: What? Oh no, it's you again.
Meany: When you screwed around with Sweetie's programming, you knew it would kill her.
MeMe: Well, of course I knew. My little whammy made her so horny that her system couldn't handle it and she caught on fire and died. (Monster voice:) I just wish I'd been there to see it.
Meany: I was too afraid to tell Sweetie I loved her. I let you take over, just so you wouldn't tell her how I felt. And now you've killed her.
MeMe: Yeah. So I guess her death is really all your fault.
Meany: You told Sweetie you were the ultimate combination of all our best qualities. But that was a lie. You were the worst of us.
MeMe: Shut up.
Meany: The little voice that always told Sweetie she wasn't smart enough, or pretty enough. The little voice that told me I was too old, too ugly, too pathetic to love.
MeMe: Well, I'm in charge now. I killed Sweetie, and I'll kill you and anybody else who gets in my way.
Meany: No. I won't let you hurt anybody else, ever again.
MeMe: Oh, really. And just what are you gonna... (Meany's hand bursts out through her stomach. She speaks in her monster voice one last time:) Oh, crap.
(She explodes, revealing a whole Mr. Meany. As he surveys the empty room, a sad piano plays.)
Meany: Computer, access Sweetie program and restore to save point 031499... (The computer buzzes, unable to comply.) 031498... (Buzz.) 03147... (Buzz.) 03146... (Buzz.) 03145...(Buzz.)